Charlotte, NC

Hey … what’s a New Year without ‘em, huh?? Well, if you’re havin’ a hard time makin’ ‘em, let Double-E help(’member? Now the Electric Eagle? I left the Relic behind in the old year …).

But, first, this breaking story:
The U.S. Postal Service just announced that a series of stamps are gonna be released August 11 to honor the old black and white television shows of the past. Among them: The Dinah Shore Show, The Ed Sullivan Show, Red Skelton Show, Steve Allen’s Tonight Show, The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet (son Ricky Nelson does not appear on that one), I Love Lucy, Dragnet, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Burns & Allen, Hopalong Cassidy, The Honeymooners, Howdy Doody, Kukla Fran and Ollie, Lassie, The Lone Ranger, Perry Mason, The Phil Silvers Show, Texaco Star Theater and The Twilight Zone.
Hmph … it’s about time! If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the old shows we watched on BTV and SOC, it’s that ya can’t beat quality!

NOW … THE RESOLUTIONS (actually, they’re called AFFIRMATIONS here):

As I read these the first time, it seemed obvious that these could help anyone! So jot ‘em down:

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.

Okay … with those bein’ said, and th’ clock tickin’, lemme wish for you and yours and theirs and mine and ours and others a GREAT year comin’ up (hey … it’s just as good as we wanna make it, right??).

So …

C’mon, 2009 — hit us with yer best shot!

Since we’re comin’ down toward the end of the year, why not leave it with some good news for a change? Ya with me?
Great. Well, here’s the first installment:

It happened just before Christmas: Searchers had combed the brutal backcountry of rural Ontario, Canada for the housewife from the city of Hamilton, who had left her home three days earlier in the middle of a blizzard to grocery shop.

With his search-and-rescue dog Ace, Ray Lau tramped through the thick, ice-covered brush of a farmer’s field that Monday, not far from where Donna Molnar’s van had been found a day earlier.

He kept thinking: Negative-20 winds? This is a search for a body!

“Then, oh, all of a sudden, Ace bolted off,” Lau said. “He stooped and looked down at the snow and just barked, barked, barked.” Lau rushed to his Dutch shepherd’s side.

“There she was, there was Donna, her face was almost totally covered except for one eye staring back at me!” he said. “There was a thousand thoughts going through my head. It was over the top.”

With one ungloved hand near her neck, Molnar, 55, mumbled and tried to scream as Lau yelled to other rescuers. Dressed in a leather coat, sweater, slacks and winter boots, Molnar was carefully pulled from a 3-foot-deep mound of snow that had apparently helped to insulate her.

Then, rescuers got their second shock.

“She was lucid, and said, ‘Wow. I’ve been here a long time!’ and then she apologized and said, ‘I just wanted to take a walk, I’m sorry to have caused you any trouble,’ “ said Staff Sgt. Mark Cox of the Hamilton Police Department, one of the leaders in the hunt. “And we’re all thinking this is incredible, this is really something. I’ve been doing search and rescue for seven years, and this is the wildest case I’ve had in finding someone alive,” he said.

She was rushed to a hospital and immediately sedated to begin the agonizing steps of hypothermia treatment.

“I think the snow must have worked to trap her body heat, and that’s what really saved her,” Cox said. “This really speaks to what’s possible.”

David Molnar is understandably calling his wife’s survival his “Christmas miracle.” Especially …

especially when her body temp at extraction was only thirty degrees!!!

He wasn’t able to speak with her immediately after she was taken to the hospital. But while she was under sedation, he leaned over her and whispered in her ear, “Welcome back, I love you.”

“My wife, you know, doesn’t pump iron. She is strong physically and spiritually,” he said. “When people say to me how do I explain how she survived, I said I believe God reached down and cradled her until the rescuers could find her, because there’s no rational explanation.”

In addition to hypothermia, Donna Molnar is being treated for severe frostbite, and her recovery will take months.

Now … who says that visits from angels, Christ, and miracles don’t exist? (I’m referring to the infant in Presbyterian Hospital whom I wrote about a few posts ago).

GOTTA STAND FOR TV

Have you ever gotten a cool-looking LCD TV, with clear screen and great sound and set it on some kind of stand — just to have it collapse on ya? (This happened to a friend of mine this past Christmas!)
Well, you won’t have to worry about that anymore — especially if you click on the link I’m about to give you!
You see, not only do they have a fantastic assortment of stands, but also TV lifts for the foot of your bed, so you can watch in maximum comfort; they also have other lift mechanisms, cabinets and more!
They even have measurement guides, in-home delivery, great prices and a superb guarantee!
Now, with the weather gettin’ a colder and (as of now) snow or rain pelting everybody, it seems, it only makes sense to visit the folks who can provide you with the best tv stand you could ever hope for! You’ll be amazed at what you see!!

Well, let’s face it … there isn’t much hope that a theme park, whether it’s a Hard Rock park or something else, will open in 2009 in Fantasy Harbor.

The Hard Rock Park, which filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection three months ago, is still looking for a buyer — with no luck.

An auction earlier this month with a minimum bid of $35 million failed to attract a winning buyer, according to court documents saying the park is still actively trying to find a buyer.

Public officials say the park would need millions in upgrades, including new rides, and marketing, and wouldn’t reopen until 2010. Months ago, a Hard Rock Park spokesman said the park couldn’t open in 2009 without a new owner.

If nobody buys the park, it’ll probably go into liquidation (the infamous “Chapter 7″ bankruptcy), or the judge could dismiss the case and those whom the park owed could foreclose on –or repossess — the property.
There’s already talk of turning into a residential/commercial district, a shopping strip-mall or property for condos and/or other housing.

Mark Lazarus, who owns Wild Water and Wheels in Surfside Beach, said he wants to see the park work, because it will draw more attention to all of Myrtle Beach’s entertainment venues. But he says it’ll take someone with some pretty deep pockets.

“To me, it never had the real right mix of rides in it, and it’s going to need some tweaking, and that takes money,” he said. “I certainly hope that somebody can come in and resurrect it and make a go at it, I do. I think it would be great for our whole economy.”

Hey … parks come and go, and it’s a cryin’ shame that this one did; but, remember, rock-n-roll (be it hard, soft, pop, Brit, alt or any other) will never die!

ABOUT MESOTHELIOMA

A few years ago, a national push began to remove all asbestos from schools, offices, homes and the like.  There’s a good reason for it; constant contact with the stuff can cause a terrible cancer called mesothelioma. It destroys the mesothelium, the serous membranes that surround many of the body’s vital organs — membranes that secrete a lubricant that provides easy movement of the internal organs.

If you or a loved one has this cancer, the link I’m about to give you will be of a tremendous help to you.  Even if you or yours don’t have mesothelioma, this is your chance to become well-informed about it!  I’ve seen a few of these cases personally (in my visits to Kentucky for the wrestling show), and I’m sure that, if you asked the hospitals, you’ll find it’s not uncommon here!

The site will give you so much information about the disease, along with pertinent news updates, recommended reading, clinical trials of different meds used to treat it, and much, much more.  You’ll even find treatment options and a state-by-state doctor search!

So, if you or a loved one has this cancer, or you just want to learn more about mesothelioma, just click that link, okay? You’ll be glad you did …

Santa Claus may be able to fly around the world in a sleigh, but even he can’t cross North American airspace without NORAD (North American Air Defense Command) knowing about it.
For more than a half-century, this joint American-Canadian venture that keeps this continent safe against aerial attack has used its technology to follow Santa’s journey and provide real-time updates on his location to children worldwide.

The North Warning System, a network of 47 radars strung across the continent’s northernmost frontier, tells NORAD when St. Nick takes off from the North Pole. Infrared satellites track the jolly old elf’s flight path once he’s airborne.
“The satellites actually pick up an infrared signature from Rudolph’s nose,” Navy Lt. Desmond James says.

Once he touches down, a little-known network of surveillance cameras called “Santa Cams” transmit images of Santa making deliveries. This network went online 10 years ago,
and NORAD officials swear it’s used only on Christmas Eve.

HOW IT STARTED

Sears-Roebuck had put an ad in the local paper listing Santa’s phone number, but the number was misprinted. Instead of ringing the department store, it rang a national defense operations center.
A technician got the first call, and rather than being a Scrooge, he told the tyke, “Let me check the radar.”

A tradition was born.

In the half century since, NORAD has expanded and updated the program, which provides updates in seven languages. “We added the online component ten years ago,” James says. “And today, Google software outputs images from the Santa Cams, and Google Maps and Google Earth, we can track Santa Claus’ trajectory.”

Now your child can keep an eye on where Santa is, and if he’s close to your house. Just click on the noradsanta.org website.

Okay … we’ve got more comin’ up in less than 24 hours. So keep it right here, and remember …

When ya see the shadow crossing … the Eagle’s in the air!”

It’s been a morning staple for the past billion years, it seems. From growing up with the “thump” on the door as the “paper boy” left the morning edition to my years as columnist for the Southeast Charlotte News, I, like so many of you, have relied on the print newspaper for national and local news, comics, obits (generally in that order) and more.

Ahhh, but it looks like its days are numbered. With ever-increasing printing/distribution costs, declining print advertising revenue and the public turning more and more to the instant visual gratification of the internet, fewer people are actually turning the physical pages and reading our “hand-held” newspapers these days.

Now, the Audit Bureau of Circulations says that circulation for 507 daily American newspapers fell to a little over 38 million copies (a 4.64 percent decrease) from March to September — and that’s from 40.02 million in the same six months last year.
Only Gannett Co.’s USA Today and Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal fared better, gaining a whopping 0.01 percent in readership.

With The Tribune Co., owner of The Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune and other newspapers, going bankrupt and the economic vultures circling around other publications, comedian Jon Stewart got into the act with a new punchline to an old joke.

“What’s black and white and completely over?” Stewart asked viewers of his popular mock news television show on Comedy Central. “Newspapers!”

On the plus side, it seems that The Charlotte Observer is also bucking the trend because, as the Queen City and surrounding area continue to grow to megapolitan size, so is its quest for the stability of a home-grown, “hand-held” newspaper. It not only boasts some of the best reporters in journalism, but also has a Sunday edition that … well, it just wouldn’t feel like Sunday without the full-color comics, large “classified” section and the sales inserts that this giant edition brings!  And, with Christmas just inches away, you can always use past issues to wrap presents or use as insulation in large gift-boxes.

Let’s see the Internet provide that, huh??

I was readin’ recently about The Charlotte Symphony’s Healing Hand troupe and how successful it’s been over the past ten years. Listen — this is something that I know from personal experience is a wonderfully therapeutic (as well as just downright satisfying) mission.

Y’see, about ten times a year, the Orchestra sends small groups of musicians to play in hospitals and retirement communities around our region. The benefits, of course, are gratifying: Seeing older couples remembering the songs they fell in love with; individuals recalling when they danced to this-or-that tune; or just melodies they can tap their foot or clap their hands to.

But there’s more to it than that. Here’s how I know:

Years ago, my daddy taught Sunday-School lessons at Tipton Brothers Nursing Home near Matthews — then went back in the afternoon (at 2:00 PM) to visit and, on occasion, bring a special bluegrass, gospel or children’s group with him. Sometimes, members of Stough Memorial’s choir would visit to sing old hymns.
Not only did the residents love the music — either tapping their feet, clapping or occasionally shouting in delight — but the director of the Home said that it boosted their spirits and actually made them feel physically better!

Shakespeare once said, “Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast,” and nowhere is that more evident than in the fine work these young people do with The Healing Hand. Whether it’s at Presbyterian Hospital, Southminster Retirement Community or wherever, flutist Amy Whitehead, violinist Elizabeth Pistolesi cellist Deborah Kauffman Mishoe and/or others provide excellent inspiration, therapy — and just plain happiness — wherever they appear.
(Their next performance, by the way, will be at Presbyterian Hospital on December 15).

I suppose the best synopsis of their effect (and that of anyone who reaches out to the elderly and ill in a positive way) was offered by Ms. Whitehead: “You can see light across people’s faces. You can sense that you’re reaching them on some level.”
And I can tell ya first-hand, that’s the absolute truth …

WHO’S THE DADDY?

I know it sounds strange, but there are times, when a child is conceived, that the identity of the father may be in doubt. It’s a touchy situation, but one whose answer is obviously needed. Or, perhaps, years later, a child wants to know who his dad is for sure.
Now, there are quite a few ways to find that out, but that often requires asking numerous embarrassing questions (including of the mother), going from doctor to doctor, having numerous tests done … and, then, perhaps having them coming up inconclusive.
Fortunately, there’s one place where you can have DNA testing done privately, and, as you’ll see on the link I’m giving you in a second, they have some amazing national credentials (example: they were the ones who found that Larry Birkhead was the biological father of Anna Nicole Smith’s child!).
Not only will you be treated with respect and dignity, but you’ll also be able to find the best DNA test for you!
Now, this is the only DNA-testing lab to gain and uphold fourteen perfect inspections! So you know you’ll have the quality and accuracy you deserve!
So, if you or a loved one is in need of a paternity test, just click on that link you just passed.
Soon, you’ll have the answers you need …

Well, it looks like we’re in for it again, folks:
In a joint statement, the 120,000-memberScreen Actors Guild (SAG) said that forms authorizing another strike would be mailed to their members on Friday, January 2, and the results would be added up three weeks later on January 23.

Now, if only 75% of them approve a walkout, it would give SAG’s national board of directors the authority to call a strike when they think it’s necessary. The actors’ union (whose contract actually expired in June) is holding out for a greater share of royalties from sales and showings of their work on the Internet. This has been a thorn in their side since the last walkout by screenwriters, which cost the media about two billion dollars in revenue!

However, well-known actors, like Rhea Perlman (Taxi), Danny DeVito (Taxi, Batman Returns!, Twins and Perlman’s husband) and Eric Bogosian (Law and Order: Criminal Intent, “Alan Freed” in the new movie, “Cadillac Records”) believe it’s not only the wrong move to put actors out of work during this economic crunch but that it’s equally stupid for the royalties not to be paid on internet showings and sales (which, for some shows, has taken a chunk out of their Neilsen ratings).

The bottom line is that we could be lookin’ at more reruns than normal come February, ‘09 — unless the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP — aka the bad guys) come to their senses!

FOR YOUR HOME THEATER

Now, if you’re like most folks, you turn to DVDs or the movie channels like AMC or TCM when you’re wantin’ to settle back and get some good TV in, right?
But why not turn that movie or channel-surfing into a full-fledged event? The best way to do that is with your very own home theater (hey … it’s still not too late to ask Santa, right??).
And there’s one spot that’ll provide you with all you need to maximize your viewing pleasure! By clicking the link I’ll give you in a moment, you’ll find lighting, carpeting, storage, stands — even popcorn machines and posts with ropes like you’ll find in theaters! You’ll even find a spot for gift ideas!
But, wait … there’s more:
You’ll also get very affordable prices, free shipping, and service before and after the sale!
And their seating is amazing. I’ve tried a couple of their models myself, and they’re soooo comfortable, while adding a fabulous look to your theater area!
So why not click on the spot that has the best in home theater seating and make your viewing a completely enjoyable event?
Do it today … Santa still has room on his sleigh!!

Christmastime. It’s that wonderful month-long period between holidays when the TV is filled with beautiful holiday specials, wonderful Christmas carols … and two phrases that eventually grate on your nerves worse than fingernails on a chalkboard:

“Batteries Not Included” … “Each Sold Separately.”

I mean, come onnnnn! Sure, we don’t expect heavy “C” or “D” sized batteries coming with the overstuffed boxes of electronic parts we’ve gotta put together. So why tell us? (But it’s not all bad; the movie of the same name, with the sharp-witted robot Johnny Five was fun!)

But “Each Sold Separately??” (Now, what’s that word I’m lookin’ for? Oh yeah: D-UHHHH! Like, we’re so dumb that, if we buy a Transformer, we think the price tag includes six more just like it??) It’s gotta be the dumbest phrase in the Christmas ads (well, that and those used car ads with Jesus and his disciples in one ACCORD!).

HOLIDAY LIGHTS

Now, if you haven’t gotten into the Christmas spirit yet, ya gotta get yerself and the reindeer … er, family … over to McAdenville, which has one of the most spectacular displays of lights anywhere! Since they’re so popular, though, you’ll probably wanna bring some hot coffee (REMEMBER THE LID!) to pass the time as you stop-and-go through the backed-up traffic. But, hey … it’s worth it!
But Charlotte itself has some beautiful displays throughout the city … starting at (where else?) The Square! And for a real hometown feel, just go over to The Plaza, or down to neighboring Pineville, and get yourself a spiritful of the season!

A FEW CHRISTMAS FACTS

First, didja know we didn’t start celebrating Christmas on December 25 until 450 A.D., when Bishop Julius I of Rome declared it to be the day we honor both giving and the Christ-child?

Second, do ya know how Santa Claus really got his name? Well, I’ll give ya a hint: As you know, he was called St. Nicholas. Legend has it that he was actually a Dutch monk who, on one special night, went around and filled children’s shoes with goodies (if they left their shoes outside their door, which was the custom then).
But, if you add sort of a Dutch or German accent to St. Nicholas, or say the name in quick and multiple repetition, you’ll come up with something sounding like … Santa Claus!

Of course, we’ve all been told by the media that this is gonna be a very tight Christmas, economically. But if we buy sensibly, and focus more on the meaning of the season (family, friends, the Holy Infant) than the price tags we see everywhere, it’s bound to turn out the merriest of all!
Besides, those things I mentioned never need batteries …

LIGHTING IT UP

Imagine having a Christmas party at your home. Not only is the house looking great, but you find your friends admiring the beautiful lighting fixtures in the different rooms! From chandeliers to ceiling fans and mirrors inside to warm outdoor lighting, your home not only has great illumination, but looks distinctive as well!
Well, getting these wonderful home accents aren’t that hard to do … especially if you click on the link I’m about to give you!
You see, these folks give you much more than you’d expect from a regular lighting store. You’ll not only find the lighting fixtures that are just right for your home; you’ll also get perks like free ground shipping (if your order’s over $75), lowest-price guarantees, no sales tax if you’re ordering from the Charlotte area, and even a great Bill Me Later plan (subject to credit approval, natch!).
They’re also one of the top 500 internet retailers, and have a very secure ordering system!
So, for the best in quality lighting fixtures, just click on that link! You’re gonna love their looks, styles and price! So give ‘em a visit today, okay??

Two legends are heading to the Queen City over the next week … in fact, on the same night!

First, one of the best-known songwriters/singers in the world is heading into Charlotte for a gig at the Time-Warner Cable Arena a week from today!
Neil Diamond, who cut his musical teeth as a songwriter in the legendary Brill Building in New York and developed into a fantastic singer in his own right, will be here as part of a new leg of a tour that had been interrupted by recurring throat problems. Fortunately, Diamond’s in fine voice now, and you can be assured of a wonderful night as he serenades you with hits from his past and present!

And soul artist John Legend – songwriter, pianist, singer and a man destined to become an icon in modern music — will be performing at Ovens Auditorium on the same night (and here’s a little 411: Just a few days later — the 28th, to be exact — Mr. Stephens [Legend's real last name] will be turning the ripe old age of 29!)

Either way, you can’t miss with these two powerhouses of sound and soul coming to town! Whether your taste in music is eclectic with a little rock thrown in, or soothing soul with some great piano work interlaced with it, you’re bound to find something you’re gonna fall in love with!

Now … doesn’t Christmas seem just a little merrier??

Okay … gotta ‘fess up here: I first produced this little piece a few years ago … but, considerin’ all that’s goin’ on here in the ‘08, I thought it’d be apro … apropri … cool to play it again today for yer readin’ pleasure. So, enjoy if ya can:

Hey, little … how ’bout gatherin’ ’round and let me read y’all a real good Christmas story, okay??
It’s called … well, it usedta be called The Night Before Christmas but, ummmm, I … well, I sorta added a few, er, afterthoughts to it.
Awwww, c’monnn … let’s try it out, and see whatcha think:

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (skeptic’s version)

(NOTE: These remarks are, in no way, a reflection of this writer’s feelings. As far as I know. Well, maybe …)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
(so they have MICE in their house, huh? THAT’S not good … in fact, it’s UNSANITARY!)

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
(it’s a shame … they don’t even have a working washer-dryer!)

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
(fervent Catholics? Maybe the last name of the washer repairman?)

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
(Awww. while MOST kids go to sleep thinkin’ of CARS, GAMES or SEX, they’re thinkin’ FOOD! Tsk … poor, starving waifs …)

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
(Suuuure: Man and wife, kids in bed, naked except for kerchief and cap. To sleep. Uh-huh …)

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
(Probably just a stray dog. Why be so PARANOID?? Oh … that’s right: They’re, uh, “SLEEPing”!)

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
(Well, if he hadn’t eaten the sash to begin with … poor nutrition habits! [Huh? I dunno ... I guess it's imitation JAPANESE food or somethin' ... obviously, the KIDS didn't eat it. They're STARVING!])

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
(Now, why “breast”? Why not “scene” or “scape”? Sounds sexist to me! Oh, wait … they were “SLEEPING” … so I guess his mind was on … er, SLEEP. Yeah! Sounds about right …)

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
(THIS is one for PETA; poor little critters, pulling a fat dude, bag and stuff [see next lines])

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
(Yeah … right. “Little old” drivers are rarely “lively and quick”. Seen SOUTH BLVD. lately?)

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
(Rats. I was pullin’ for the washer repairman!)

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
(what in tarnation is a COURSER?)

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
(DAMN! He’s gonna wake up the KIDS, who are dreaming of “sugar plums” …)

Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
(”now” WHAT?!?)

On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!
(”ON” what??)

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
(Now, WHY doesn’t he use the DRIVEWAY like everyone ELSE?)

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
(Dash away all of what? That bearded bozo better leave my stuff alone and get to fixin’ that washin’ machine!)

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
(Umm … doesn’t this guy rake his LAWN?! And, dude, it’s snowing! How’dya know if there ARE leaves??)

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
(can anyone explain this line?)

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew
(I ask ya again … what’s a friggin’ COURSER?? Thoughtcha had REINdeer, bubba …)
with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
(sounds like ol’ SC was an afterthought! Oh … and forget the toys; let’s fricasee those REINDEER! Should taste better than “sash”!)

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
(DAMN! They’re gonna wake the kids, I tell ya! An’ who’s gonna replace those SHINGLES??)

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
(was he drawin’ it back to BUST that sumgun for makin’ all that racket?)

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
(waitaminnit. Isn’t that “entering without breaking”? And why was he carrying a “bound”? Is that North Pole “street cred” for a WEAPON or somethin’??)

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
(Awwww, CRAP! There goes the clean CARPET! Well, with the exception of the mouse droppings … )

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
(It’s late … strange dude looks like a peddler, breaking in through chimney … yep: five to ten at San Quentin at least!)

His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
(WHOA! Sounds like daddy was gettin’ turned ON by the dude in red!)

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
(Man, this cat’s gonna set off the SMOKE DETECTOR!! An’ if the man’s WIFE hears that, she’s gonna hit the ROOF… and THAT”LL knock off all those tiny REINDEER! And then PETA will be on THEIR backs and …)

He had a broad face and a little round belly
that shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
(almost sounds like some bizarre PORNOGRAPHY, doesn’t it??)

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
(MAN, he was gettin’ aroused!!)

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
(Suuuure, he didn’t … didn’t Linda Blair do the same thing in “Exorcist”?)

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
(WAIT!! What … what was the “jerk” doing with him? When’d HE come into the picture?)

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
(HE’S GONNA BLOW A LUGIE!! HE’S A REDNECK! I KNEW IT!!)

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
(oh …)

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
(hmph — earlier he called their names to get ‘em to move. Now he just whistles for ‘em?)

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
(what the heck?? Since when does a thistle have DOWN??)

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

(GEEZ … HE WOKE UP THE KIDS WITH ALL THAT CLATTER! NOW THE OWNER’S GOT
A CHIMNEY TO CLEAN
SOOTY FOOTPRINTS TO VACUUM
LYSOL TO SPRAY, TO GET THAT DAMNED PIPE SMOKE OUTTA THE ROOM
THE KIDS TO CALM DOWN and get back to (ahem!) “sugarplum-land”.
AN UNSATISFIED NEARLY-NEKKID WIFE WHO DOESN’T KNOW HE WAS MAKIN’ EYES AT SANTA …
A POSSIBLE POLICE REPORT TO FILE

EDITOR’S NOTE: So, here, we have the tragic story of an impoverished, fairly uneducated family who lives in unsanitary conditions. Then, one night, upon lying down after a questionable meal — and with his precious children so hungry they’re dreaming of food — the man of the house comes face-to-face with an intruder. The perp made his way into the house in unconventional fashion, and proceeds to make a mess. Strangely, the man becomes attracted to him … and doesn’t stop him or his accomplice (aka “a jerk”) from their crime.

Pity, isn’t it??

Awww, the heck with it … MERPYSONS CHRISTOLIDAYTINGS! (Well, it’s now 2008, and we’ve gotta be careful with our greeting, kids … so I”ve combined them all into one!)

PROMOTE YOURSELF!

Look … we all have a cause or business, sports team or church that we’d like to promote, right? I mean, on the one hand, it’ll bring in potential customers; on the other hand, supporters.
Unfortunately, our budgets can’t handle the cost of billboards, print ads and the like, so we feel like we’re stuck.
But why not promote your business in a way that thousands have done successfully — and that’s to imprint your logo or info on items that folks’ll actually use practically every day?
Imagine someone gettin’ ready for work (or to run an errand) grabs a hot cup of coffee then puts on a warm, fleece jacket to handle the cold trip … and both have your business’ name or logo on ‘em! Now, not only will that person know who you are, but will also thank you for providing something he can actually use today!
In just a moment, I’m gonna give you a link to the best place to get your name and/or logo professionally printed on just about anything … and at a cost that’s very wallet-friendly.
But they do more than just “imprint”. They actually guarantee that they’ll beat any competitors’ price, offer a live chat with one of their reps, just in case you have a question, and even help you track your order status!
You’ll be so pleased with the work they do (and the prices they have) that you’ll make these folks your home for promotional products. So, for the best in promoting your club, organization, business or church, just click on that link now!

ROCKNOTE: The above greeting was one coined as a collaboration between me and Lloyd Thaxton in 2006. As so many “politically correct” people wanna downplay the “CHRISTmas” thing, and others don’t see it as a HOLIDAY, we just combined “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Holidays” and “Season’s Greetings” all in one.

Okay … somebody tell me that this isn’t happening …

I mean, it was my understanding that the big financial giants were begging for bailouts — that they were in dire straits! Still, they reward their head honchos with hefty severance packages, bonuses and other perks, as if money still could be picked off a mythical tree!

Some even brag about the “help”: AIG, who looked for the biggest bailout of all, now boasts in some of their print ads: “With over 700 billion dollars in assets!” (ummm … does that bring back ghosts of recent news reports?)

But WACHOVIA?? Even if our hometown bank wasn’t included in the “bailout”, then how in the world can ten of their top execs take 98.1 million bucks in severance packages with a clear conscience? For average people like us, it’s gonna look greedy! Sure, Wells Fargo’s gonna pay it to ‘em, but … well, let’s face it: ANY megabux payoff’s gonna look bad to the average consumer, considering the current financial crisis and no matter who takes it.

But there’s a very pleasant twist to this tale:
This is Charlotte, where our “suit” community is known for their courtesy,common sense and concern for their customers. According to The Charlotte Observer, some of these execs may opt out of that “package”, opting to stick with the merged companies instead. And local sources tell The Relic that it’s for two reasons: They wanna stay, and they don’t wanna put a sour taste in the public’s mouth!

The public. People who have banked, worked and dealt with Wachovia for years (yep, me too!). Folks who’ve seen the philanthropic side of the financial giant.
And, best of all, it all comes around to the same basic point: This is CHARLOTTE — THE QUEEN CITY! We’re known to have a heart …
That’s why we’re still growing while others are just struggling …

A QUICK CORRECTION

Didja hear the kind plug that TV’s Craig Ferguson gave us this past week? He talked about how he liked Charlotte … including its basketball team, The Charlotte Hornets!
Ummm … Craig?? They’re a … New Orleans team! We’re the BOBCATS now!!
So, while we ‘preciate the plug, we wanted to bring ya up-to-speed a bit … and, of course, invite you back! Just steer clear of our ice skating rinks, and you’ll be fine! (Go ahead … ask, folks!)

GREAT RELIEF FOR DISNEY SPELLS

C’mon … everybody wants to go to Disney World at least once, right? I mean, to take in the beauty and splendor, the magic that Walt dreamed up all those years ago makes the ultimate vacation!
Now, with Christmas comin’ up, what more exciting present to give your family (and especially your kids) than a vacation package that includes the nation’s fantasy capital? You’d be surprised at how affordable these can be … and even more amazed at the fun and memories you’ll have there!
There’s something for everybody: From the legendary Magic Kingdom Park, Disney’s Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios, the world-renowned and educational Epcot Center, and so much more, there’s happiness and thrills around every corner!
And making your plans is easy to do: Just click on this link for the best in Disney vacations to make reservations! Then, when you’re ready, pack your bags, your kids … and plenty of film … and take off for the vacation of dreams!

With all the talk goin’ on about the shape of the economy, folks around the nation (and ourarea) are turnin’ more and more to some very unique and innovative ways of handling the cash/job shortage.

Or … so they think!

Already, I’m hearin’ from people in Harrisburg, Pineville, Davidson and right here in town talkin’ about goin’ into business for themselves, doing service work (such as: repairing or detailing cars, doin’ handyman work, housekeeping or even becoming plumbers!).
Some … no, make that many … are starting vegetable gardens; whether they’re yard-size, like my daddy had, or just small planters in apartments, these are planted in hopes of deflecting the rising costs of food. Besides, “home-grown” is always better than the “canned” stuff, right?

Fortunately, Charlotte’s recycling plan is showing benefits during this crunch — but folks are going beyond that and learning how to re-use quite a few plastics, metals and other items we once took for granted.

We’re also learning the value of car-pooling, taking the CATS buses and light rail, and even just “hot-footin’ it” to wherever we need to go (I personally put in about seven to ten miles every day that way)!

But, y’know what? If we look back … say, fifty, sixty years ago … what were we doin’ then? Yep … the very same THING! And not only did we survive and bode well during those times, but we also were healthier, happier … and became stronger as a community!

These tough times aren’t gonna last forever … but the benefits that we derive from “tightening our belts” can stick with us for a lifetime!

WORD FROM LAS VEGAS …

Oh … forgot to tell ya: Got an email from the Stephens’ (remember? They were movin’ out to Nevada?). Well, they finally made it into Las Vegas, and they decided to check out the town by reserving a hotel that was close to the action. Besides, they had to wait a coupla days for their furniture and other stuff to arrive.

Anyway, they were totally confused about which one to take — until they found the site I’m gonna introduce you to in a moment. Not only does it have all the fab hotels in and around the sleepless city, but it’ll also give ya maps, where the pools are, tips to enjoy your vacation, and more!
Now, I’m not gonna tell ya which one they settled on, but I will say that, for anybody who’s going to Vegas for vacation, or as a stopover on a business trip or whatever reason, you’ll find this site invaluable! From choices (and, man, do you ever have quality choices!) to amenities, helpful tips to amazingly affordable prices, you’ll find it all when you book a las vegas hotel through these folks.
And it’s as simple as clicking that link I just gave you! So why not check it out, and plan your next vacation with their help? Your visit or vacation will be one you’ll remember for a lifetime … and, who knows? You just might run into a few folks you know!

Geez … I just started tonight’s post and I’ve already ticked off a few Republicans!
But I’m not talkin’ against Gov. Palin at all … ’cause she wasn’t the problem (’sides, I do value my life!)!
Okay, then, hotshot … what was the problem with the campaign??

Well, I didn’t say “THIS Was …”, did I?? Nope — I asked ya, “Was THIS …?” Need yer input.
And I’m talkin’ about the media here! I mean, they were all over Sarah Palin like butter on a freshly baked biscuit! And it was, for the most part, about everything but her political accomplishments, ability to perform the job … or her stand on the issues.

In other words, they didn’t give the lady a fair shake in the recent campaign! And we, bein’ a nation that just loves the sensationalistic, ate it up like the earlier-mentioned biscuit!!

Y’know, somehow, I’ve got a feelin’ that, though she’s raising a fine family, was a former small town-mayor, Governor of America’s (geographically) largest state and having to balance all these duties (and all their required concerns) and still maintain dignity and composure-under-fire;
though she’d traveled thousands of miles stumping for Sen. McCain, dealt with accusations and blows back home in Alaska, and still maintained a loving relationship and time with her husband and family …
it all just didn’t matter to the media.

They were more concerned about everything from her looks to accent to slip-ups that she made while on the campaign trail. And it was the slip-ups that became the focus more … and more.

THEN THEY BROUGHT IN A FEYKE PALIN …

Now, don’t get me wrong: I like Tina Fey as a comedienne, actress, mom … and, quite honestly, to meet the woman “offstage” is like talking with Everywoman. She’s very sincere, somewhat shy, a bit aloof herself … but definitely genuine!
But when the SNL script called for her to lampoon Gov. Palin, it set in everyone’s mind that the former VP candidate was actually like that! And that image, coupled with a media blitz straight out of Entertainment Tonight®, stuck with American voters to the end of voting day … and is still prevalent!

Of course, when they heard Sarah make a mistake (like calling Africa a country and about some flak between the McCain and Palin camps over the fact that the Governor didn’t get a chance to give her concession speech when Sen. McCain did), these “informed” media seem to forget that the lady was thrust almost immediately into the national spotlight for the very first time! Everybody — here and abroad — was watching her.

That brings me to a second question: If you were in front of the cameras and mics and millions of viewers for the very first time ever, would you get a little nervous and maybe slip up on your words or facts?

Then ya know how she felt … and how the mistakes could have easily happened. And, during the bittersweet concession speech (handled remarkably well by Sen. McCain), she undoubtedly thought (again, remember that she wasn’t familiar with the protocol here) that she would have a turn at the mic as well! So, you see, SARAH PALIN IS HUMAN!

But — since what’s said or done by the VP candidate (intentional or not) can change the direction of any Presidential election — couldn’t all this media mishandling have been one of the contributing causes of the Republicans’ defeat?

Like I said, it wasn’t her fault; she gave, I believe, one of the best showings of any first-time VP candidate … especially someone who’d never been in this much of a national spotlight … before!

I voted for Obama, because he was the better choice; but I truly admire Gov. Palin .. and honestly hope she shoots for a high goal like this again in 2012!

But I’d appreciate your opinion …

Awww, c’mon … you’re bound to have seen the best Obama campaign video EVER!!  If not, I’ll give you the link in just a minute.

Y’see, Ron Howard, Andy Griffith and Henry WInkler reprised their roles as Opie, Sheriff Andy Taylor and The Fonz (hmph … as if ya didn’t know, right??) for an ad touting Sen. Barack Obama as the best Presidential candidate.

If only for three minutes-and-change, we were taken back to Mayberry (okay, who down here doesn’t know where that is??) … and then to the leather-jacketed hero of Arnold’s, leanin’ against a ‘57 Chevy where Opie turned into Richie.  

Both vignettes caried the famous style of the TV shows on which they were based: Andy and “Ope” by the fishin’ hole, with the famous “whistling” tune was in the background (btw, the man who did the actual whistling, Earle Hagen – who also composed the tune called “The Fishin’ Hole” — died recently), was warm and family-oriented — and filmed in black-and-white!
The other one, with Richie and Fonzie, had the Fifties music in the background, the humor and coolness that’s identified with Winkler’s character — and even was the same-grade color film as the original show!

It’s one you’ve just gotta see!  Though just posted over the past coupla days, it’s already gotten nearly one million hits!

See for yourself at Funny-Or-Die.com.

Whether you’re votin’ for Obama or McCain, you’re still gonna enjoy the trip down memory lane (and, btw, Henry hasn’t lost “the look”) …

Well, nobody can say she doesn’t have a sense of humor …

As around 14 million Americans have seen, Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin went on NBC’s Saturday Night Live this past weekend, in vignettes at the beginning of the show (she even got to say those immortal words, “Live From New York … it’s SATURDAY NIGHT!!”) and in their “Weekend Update” segment (btw, that was not her husband dancing with the moose! Just an actor that looked like him.).

In other words, you could’ve easily missed her!

Now, one of the original SNL’ers, actor/comedian Chevy Chase, doesn’t think Gov. Palin should’ve been on the show.

“Quite frankly, it’s a big mistake to let her go on. What was brilliant about (‘SNL’ chief) Lorne (Michaels) was that he had nothing written for Sarah and that apparently she cannot improvise herself out of a paper bag! On ‘Weekend Update,’ that was her big chance. Nothing.”

Still, the concensus of most Crown Towners who watched her brief appearance is that she did okay.
Y’see, it’s sorta like Dr. “Bones” McCoy tellin’ Capt. Kirk, “Dammit, Jim, I’m a DOCTOR, not a (whatever)”.
Although she gave it a good shot, she’s telling America, “Goshdarn it, I’m a VP Candidate, not a comedian!”
You betcha!

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