Charlotte, NC

I took a small break, with one of the guys who’ll be on the show, and went to Ashland’s Town Center Mall for a quick meal, and for him to get an anniversary gift for his wife. It’s a far cry from our supershops like Carolina Place, but, for a small town, it’s all right.

After a bite to eat at a Mexican-themed restaurant on the premises, we walked through the mall (I was totally amazed by how small it was!) and into … a … er, wellllll, let’s just say a lingerie shop (BARELY!!).
Now, I’m not gonna call any names (heck … I don’t even have a date, much less a wife!), but I couldn’t help wondering: If everybody knows about this place now, why do they call it a secret?? (ummmm … nevermind …)

I went back outside. (Okay, so I’m a bit prudish. I figure “What’s worn or happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom .. not on display in a friggin’ window!”) Besides, it was a private purchase from him to his lady love …

He came out, a bit red-faced (D-UH!!), with a little, tiny something in the shopping bag. Could it be a circular? Some dust that collected in it?? Nope. It was the little … well, friends, they call it a “teddy,” though I can’t see the connection. Little. Miniscule. Hard to see. But HUMONGOUS price.

Gee … he must love that woman! Either that, or he makes better money at wrestlin’ than we thought! But … but what if she refuses it? Well, at least he’s got himself a fancy handkerchief!

HEY … SHOES CAN BE SEXY!

Hey … it’s true! And, of course, the best place for ladies to find those toe-tapping turn-ons would be at a lingerie store that provides a wide selection of them!
Now, there’s a great store that offers the finest in alluring footwear, and at prices any lady can afford! At the Lingerie Diva, though, you get more than just shoes and boots … you’ll find just about everything that can make you look your sexiest! And not only that, but there’s even a blog you can visit to learn more about the lingerie itself, a glossary to help you become a “smart shopper” and know all the product terms, and even a size chart that’ll help you find the item that fits you perfectly!
The boots and shoes are stunning, and sure to please, whether for an intimate situation or just for elegance sake!
Interested? (Of course you are at this point!) Just click the link that’ll take you to the sexiest, most beautiful thigh high boots and more … and visit the Lingerie Diva today!

Awwww, geez … and just when I thought I was makin’ a name for myself …

Remember when I did a little “research” and found around six other dudes with my name doin’ stuff around the state? I mean, ya had detectives, preachers, runners, insurance men and the like. WOW!! Six other guys who …

ummm … (are ya ready for this??) add five more to the list. (Y’know, if this keeps up, I’m gonna haveta check Mercy Hospital’s records and see if old Doc McD had a duplicating machine in the delivery room …)

Actually, it made me realize that I hadn’t fully explained which Chuck Hinson I am. Sounds weird, but … hey, I’ve got that right, right? Just to set the record straight …

The Pineville setting, with main stars Eola and Irene Hinson bein’ my folks oughtta give it up. But, justincase, lemme go a coupla steps farther: I was the dude who gradded in ‘69 from Sabre Central (ie, South Meck), did a whole lotta pickin’ and shakin’ as a guitarist back then, and went on to become syndie columnist (Coffee Talk) in The Southeast Charlotte News for a few years.

Today, I’m known worldwide as The Rock Relic — dedicated to preservin’ the true energy of “our” generation’s music through blogs, articles, audio productions, personal appearances (in the RR role) and, soon, on webcast radio!
I also do voiceovers and fill in the rest of non-zzzz time as ringside commentator and publisher for Ohio Championship Wrestling. Still at a slick 160, I’ve got a bald top now but a lot inside.

My main digs are in Pineville, but I make runs to Ashland (Kentucky, for wrestling shows), Abingdon (Virginia, for research), Calgary (Canada, also for research) and back. Other stops are for the PA’s and reviews …

Hmph … what’ve these other CH’s got? Actually, I’d like to get ‘em all together one day and have one heckuva cookout! No need to ask who’s who … and, if anybody’s wife calls, anyone in the crowd can take it … it’ll be his guilt trip in our collective name (not me, though. I’m unattached at present …).

I just hope they all like grits!

If there’s any more of ‘em, be sure to send ‘em to this site, okay? Any show of hands??

It might … er, take awhile before I get back onto Belk Freeway again. First, I’ve gotta get my nerves calmed down …

Y’see, I was tryin’ to get onto it after leaving Pineville for a return home, but, while I was gettin’ on it, I was nearly clipped by a driver on her … uh-huh. You can fill in the rest of the sentence, right? In a way, it was kinda ironic, because I’d just heard somebody talkin’ on the radio about how the “cell phone made (him) feel a lot safer when (he was) on the road”.

Hmph. Maybe him … I mean, after he hits someone, and his air bags deploy, and he can find it after rummagin’ through the wreckage, he can tape the pieces together to make a call to his insurance man … or, maybe (hint, hint!) the police.

I dunno why they even allow those things in cars. Oh, sure they’re good in emergencies … but can’t they make ‘em in a way so a running engine will interfere too much with reception? It already does that with my radio, so there can’t be too much more technology involved!

Anyway, I hope she got through to whoever she was callin’, and that it was a very important call! So, while I’m gettin’ my wits about me again (HA! Like I ever had them before …), let me close out this part of the post.

Besides, I’ve got a call on my cell …

YES, SOME STEROIDS ARE LEGAL!

They’re called prohormones, and are used in training and as a supplement! Not only do they allow for wholesome muscle growth and are highly recommended by users worldwide — but they work!
Now, you folks know I’m also announcer for independent pro wrestling promotions (which, today, are totally against illegal steroids). Well, I can tell you that many of our ranks highly recommend BodyBuildingFactory.com for the best choice of the most effective prohormones! This superstore stocks 175 brands and 3,500 products that are clean, safe, effective and reliable!
The Halotest-25 is one that many grapplers (and gymnasts) swear by! And, as with the company’s other products, its cost won’t hurt your wallet one bit. Of course, as you scoll through the various products (hang on … I’ll give ya the link in a moment), you’ll find just the right prohormone to help you build the muscles you want! Now, as with any product in this category, you need to be a male over the age of 18 to purchase — but the results you’ll get from these will be splendid!
So go ahead and click on the best store for legal steroids today! You can order online via secure server or, if you feel a bit uncomfortable with that, by phone. Either way, by clicking that link up there you’ll be on your way to a better “you” before ya know it!

Look … I don’t know how it happened but, if ya look at the Relic’s kitchen ceiling right now, you’ll probably get an eyeful of drippin’ wet!
Y’see, I’d turned on the faucet handles to get a sinkful of water so I could handle those dishes that’ve been sitting since 1975 (actually, from the morning) and (yes, I do have a dishwasher. Manual. Called hands …), suddenly, the faucet popped off!
So, even though I was already in my shirt-and-tie (that are now due to get outta the dryer in about … oh, ten minutes or so), I reached under the sink and, while being soaked, turned off the water … and tried to reattach it (after all, my daddy was a plumber at one time!). No luck … just more mess (look, I said my daddy was one … not me!).
After mopping up the kitchen (and reprimanding the dog for pulling the cat around on a tuna-can waterboard) and calling a client to let him know I’d be a bit late (didn’t tell him why; I don’t like being laughed at), I went to …
get another faucet … at … Wal-Mart®! Then I went back and got the right size I needed. Then back to exchange it for one that had the washers included. Then I went back, three hours later …
to get some paper plates and cutlery. And wait for the repairman … unless that dog was hungry for morning-old plate scrapings and had a wet tongue, I wasn’t gonna try again!

BUT IF YA NEED GOOD FAUCETS …

In looking for new faucets, of course I looked beyond the “Wally World” galaxy — and found a place that gives me the quality, affordability and dependability that I’ve been looking for! In fact, the people at Faucets.com have more to offer than just faucets!
But their Hansgrohe faucet line is top-of-the-line! I mean, they provide the high-quality performance I need, while makin’ my little ol’ kitchen look really sharp with their smooth, modern designing! Whether it’s a kitchen or shower faucet ya need, you get the finest faucets, heads and accessories from them!
Not only that, but you also get free shipping on orders over 99 bucks, a “$25 off” coupon that you can use through this Friday, a great guarantee — and you can order via secure server online or by phone!
So, if you need any faucet for your home, go to one of the finest faucet brands in the world — the Hansgrohe faucet — and, soon, you’ll be appreciating your water like never before!

Man, they don’t make ‘em like they usedta: Years ago, after playin’ along with rock-n-roll records with an “imaginary” guitar (I actually used a baseball bat, and tried to learn to finger-position chords on its neck), Daddy came home (well, it was either that or the cat! Mama was usin’ the broom!) with an old Kent guitar that a customer had given him. Finally, I thought, I can learn to really play! I was only 25 (actually, 13 … but I wanted ya to read this).
Anyway … that Christmas, with the guitar laying on the couch, my brothers and I started some good-natured ‘rasslin’ — and I was tossed on top of it. And, friends, nothing beats the thrill of havin’ three old, steel strings snappin’ and stickin’ into your hind-end …
So, a few days later, Dad took us to Sears, uptown. Now, for us Pinevillites who were used to the dime store and maybe K-Mart® if we were good, Sears was like shopping paradise. I immediately broke away from Daddy and my brothers and took off for the guitar section.
Now, back then, they had serious electric guitars. For the most part, ya had to have some muscle to hoist one of those rascals up to playin’ level (well, at 13 ya did, anyway!). They were what we call “solid-body” … which I wasn’t back then! Dad had his eye on an acoustic model … a store-brand Silvertone with classic (nylon and steel) strings. Of course, I wanted one of those sparkly-looking electrics — so he bought the acoustic for me.
For months, the guitar and I were inseparable (okay … except for bathroom breaks!). I learned chords, picking terando style (for the uninitiated, that means like Chet Atkins) and every rock record I had. Within a year, I’d started my first “band”.
And Sears had a lifelong customer. Whether it was for clothing, school supplies or to pick up girls, I went there! (c’mon — I was just kiddin’ about pickin’ up girls. Shoot … I rarely picked up my socks, so how good would I have been with girls?)
Now, the rest of the story’s strange-but-true:
In 1969 (after gradding from South Meck), I took my very first trip to Ashland, Kentucky (where I now do TV commentary for monthly wrestling events). Of course, with me went Lucy (named in honor of BB King’s guitar. Well, that and the fact no one would steal a guitar from someone who named theirs!). But, as luck would have it, I ran outta money and had to sell my now-kinda-worn stringy friend (no, Bultmann, not you! You came around later!). Only got eighty-five bucks for it!
In 1996 — after years of Stratocasters, Yamahas and one nightmare called Ovation — I re-visited, guitar-less, to promote a rockumentary I’d done. Out of curiosity, I visited a local pawn shop there. Thumbing through the guitars on their wall, I noticed one that was … well, kinda … familiar!
Yep. My old Silvertone! A little shop-worn and ragged, but it was mine! Or, at least was … so I bought it back. Three months later, it broke its neck in a tragic fall from a Greyhound’s freight area.
But the one thing that stuck out in my mind for all those years was the fact that I bought it from the old Sears uptown. Seemed like everything that store sold was complete quality. Today, I go to some of the “newer” ones (whether at one of our malls or on the road) to shop … but it just isn’t the same. I mean, their customer service is excellent, and so is their merchandise. but that old Sears on N. Tryon Street was nothing less than purchasing perfection for me.

So, today, as The Rock Relic, I have to thank the fine folks, service and prices at that old Sears for jumpstartin’ this rock-n-roll heart of mine. If it hadn’t been for that guitar they sold me (and my Dad’s insistence on my getting it), I probably would’ve ended up as a pro dishwasher or a Republican …

Seems that every other city in the USofA wants to “ban the baggy” … trousers, that is.

Y’know, it’s kinda fun to watch everyone speculate as to why kids won’t “belt ‘em”: Some say it’s because (and, I swear, this is a quote) “Weapons weigh ‘em down.” Hmph … well, that explains why mine were always half-down when I wuz in school. Well, that and the fact that I was about 10 pounds until I turned forty (I was outta school way before then. 25.)

Then there are others that say it’s a “gang” thing. Really? You mean … Spanky, Alfalfa, Buckwheat and Porky did it??

And, then, still others think it’s a “gay” thing. Sure. Of course. Listen — I’m straight-as-an-arrow, but, from what I’ve seen, most gay men (and teens) take a lot of pride in the way they look. They can also afford belts …

Another speculation is that they (the kids) want to show off what they’ve got!”. Ummmm … what — the new underwear they got at Wal-Mart™ or somethin’??

Look … bottom line (no pun intended) is: It’s a friggin’ fad … a way for kids to rebel against the Establishment by having a style they can call their own. It’s not much different from the bell-sleeved disco shirts, bell bottoms or leather jackets of yesteryear … just a little more, er, risque. That’s not to say it’s right; in fact, it does border on “indecent exposure”.

Wanna put a stop to it? Here are two things we can do:

• Get some tough, rugged macho guy from the media — Ice-T, Sylvester Stallone or Rosie O’Donnell will do — and have them promote a line of “Belk belts”. With threats if they don’t buy …
• Get a bunch of overweight, sloppy 65-year-old men to wear them every day … no matter where they go. Nothing stops a fad in its trax like old people tryin’ to look young and cool. Ask Neil Young.

Who’d've ever thunk it?!?

I mean, I’ve been a Tarheel/Hornet/Pinevillite for most of my years, and … I thought … kinda had the niche on my name. But, over the past few months, I’ve come under fire from people who’ve been lookin’ for Chuck Hinson — and some haven’t been too friendly!
Y’see, I now share the same name as a well-known detective with the CPD! And, while he’s doin’ a great job (and … ahem! … hopefully keepin’ the name clean!), there are a few guys out there who aren’t too — er, shall we say “fond”? — of him. And, when I introduce myself, using my honest-to-family name, they get a bit rattled with me.

Then I find that there’s (gulp!) another one of me nestled around Winston-Salem who does a bit of preachin’! But it doesn’t stop there: Add a (1) software salesman, (2) long-distance runner, (3)an insurance man and others, and you can see why I might be just a little confused at times.
So it’s no wonder I feel a bit relieved when traveling out-of-town to the wrestling gigs. At least I can be myself — Chuck Hinson from Pineville, NC.
Or …
so I thought! But during the last trip to the Appalachian Tall Timbers for pre-card setup, I stopped at a gas station near Greenup, Kentucky. There, I was talkin’ about this same subject when a fella who looked a little like that “Romney” character asked (and this is the truth!), “You’re from Pineville?!?” FINALLY!! The right recognition! Beaming, I boasted, “Yes, sir, I AM!!” “You mean — you mean you’re the Chuck Hinson from …
Pineville, Louisiana? I knew your daddy …”

I’m tellin’ ya, sometimes ya just … can’t … WIN!

A SPORTING IDEA …

Y’know, there are loads of coupons that you can find on the web, but none more exciting than Dick’s Sporting Goods coupons. By using these rascals, you can get the best savings from the biggest webside name in sports apparel and equipment … and you can start those savings at the click of the mouse! You’ll find Hot Deals, free shipping coupons and other money-savers that you can use right now to help you make the most of your shopping experience!
Now, you can use these on a variety of sports-related items from the web’s top sports stop, ranging from footwear and tee-shirts to various sports equipment and more! And the savings you’ll get from Coupon Chief only add to the excitement of shopping.
So, whether you’re a fan or a player, a team or just some guys who play “pick-up” basketball, you’ll wanna click that link up there and start saving! Go ahead … do it today, and start scoring some big points, both for your wallet and on the home court!!

Okay, I didn’t get that violent with my recently-departed PC (not that it was old or anything, but I didn’t wanna hit the kerosene reservoir by mistake!) …

Yep … the ol’ Windows 99 went crazy on me. Actually, it was loaded with XP™ but it developed a bad case of worms thanks to a bad mirror-site download (hmph … I look in the bathroom mirror [now, that's a bad-mirror-sight!] before I do a … ummm, “download” But it never gave me worms!).

So, this time, I went to Circuit City and bought one of those eMachines™ with Vista™ on it (one more time: ™ God, I love those HTML characters!) And, man, this baby does everything but brew coffee (in fact, I’m trying to download a Mr. Coffee™ as-we-speak!). Now the challenge is gettin’ this DSL hooked up to it.

Oh, it’s such fun doin’ it. (You attach one cable to the modem if the modem’s hooked up remove cat from keyboard attach other end not cat’s to computer turn on modem it won’t must be a woman go to other room cuss come back call phone company you know how it goes, right?)

Anyway, it should be up and running before the Presidential Elections, but, until then, there’s always dial-up … just gotta wait for the Goody’s™ to kick in …

Speakin’ of CATS and CABLES …

Throughout the Mid-Atlantic area, people are switching over to DSL and Cable at breakneck speed (actually, mine does work well, now that my ISP walked me through it). But, no matter how proficient your provider, you still need the right cables for the network hookup.
Now, you can go to various electronic stores just to have the salespersons pitch you on their latest-and-best brands, but that takes time, lots of patience and endless price comparisons in the hope that the store actually sold you what you need! It can be frustrating …

unless you order from the folks at Norfolk Wire (formerly Anicom, Inc.). Unlike the retail stores that sell many different and unrelated products, these people are specialists, and will go the “extra mile” to make sure you get the Cat-5 cable you need (Cat-5 [short for "Category 5"] is used in Local Area Network connections, so if you’re on a LAN, most likely the cable running out of the back of your PC is Category 5.).

Norfolk Wire has one main goal, and that’s to provide a return to “good old customer service”. They not only have the best prices available, but also maintain higher stock levels than most. Along with that, they carry a huge selection of products to make your communication experience the best it can be!

So, whether you visit one of their offices in Raleigh, Winston-Salem or Greensboro (they also have them in Virginia and South Carolina), or decide to order on-line via credit card (and their order site is very secure!), you can be sure you’ll get the best, top-quality and affordable Cat 5 cable from this amazing company (oh … while you’re on that site [see link above], be sure to click on their “About” section. It’s really an inspiring story …). Go on and click there now, okay?? You’ll be happy you did!

It’s in a museum now, but this is exactly what my first computer looked like. I bought it at a Goodwill store, and thought that, man, I was gonna finally be part of the “now” generation.

Yeah. Right. I’m the guy that only buys tie-up shoes if they come with instructions!

Now, don’t get me wrong: Charlotte has plenty of folks who can tell ya how to run a computer, but (bein’ of the Virge Hinson lineage) I was stubborn as one of grandpaw’s surviving mules (what happened to the rest? Check your glue bottles …).

I knew how to plug it in, and even found out where to put the keyboard and mouseplugs (at the time, I was married. Frustrated with my tinkering with it, my wife gave me other ideas as to where I could put them … which I rejected). But … what to do when that black screen with crazy words came on it (later, I found out it’s called a “DOS” screen. “DOS” meaning Dumb Offbase Simpleton, I guess)?
After reading a book called Computers for Dummies (which they wouldn’t sell me, at first; said I didn’t come up to the basic qualification for jackass …), I finally figured out how to get the desktop screen on it.
And, abruptly, got lost.
Long story short (you may be eating lunch): I ended up giving the whole shebang to my son … who, in fifteen minutes, had the thing up, running … crashing … restarting … up, running … freezing up … off, on, up, running …

The sound of breaking glass, and that humongous monitor and funky base hitting the ground below the window would’ve caused every dog in the neighborhood to bark. But, as luck would have it, my wife-at-the-time stayed silent … and Tim and I were on our way to Radio Shack for something a little better. With instructions.

LAP-PING IT UP

Today, the big success stories lie with the laptop models. Convenient, portable and amazingly versatile, they’ve swept the world by making the information superhighway a lot easier to travel!

Now, if you shop for one at your neighborhood electronics store (huh?? Did I say Wal-Mart® ?), you might have to wait in line, go through loads of models with no salesperson there to help you, and pay top-dollar at the registers.
OR … you can go to Buy.com and find the best laptop for your work and home — at a price that’s much less than you’d find at a retailer!
The link I’m gonna give you in a moment will take you to their site, where you can shop for quality names like Toshiba and Sony, search for the type, brand, RAM and processor you need through their engines (on the left of the screen) and more!
No long lines, no pushy salesmen, a lot of savings, top brands, a secure server with one of the most popular webside stores in existence … and all at the click of a mouse! What more could you ask for??
So, for the best notebook computer for your need, budget and style, just click on the link you just passed.
Believe me, you will be satisfied!

Okay, so we made it through the first day of the New Year. Natch, it’s the time when everyone sees how far they can go with those resolutions they made at the end of ‘07. Annnnnnnnd as with everyone, I’ve made a few (remember, I said “a FEW”. Don’t hold me to more …) rezzies of my own:

• First of all, there’s the longstanding resolution that no more resolutions will be made unless I resolve to absolve the solutions to the broken resolutions of the past (huh?!?)
• Second (and due to readers’ requests), I’m takin’ this thing back to the old kaffeklatsche style (Please: Don’t make me type that word again!). I want to thank both of them for remembering the old syndie column …
• Thirdly, you’re gonna see a lot more posts here over the year. There’s so much goin’ on in the QC and with the Relic and … well, we just gotta talk about it all!

In other words — and if you remember the old SouthEast Charlotte News column I did years ago (Coffee Talk), you’ll get an eyeful of goody here (and I don’t mean powders! ‘Sides, that stings a little!) as well as (trust me: once, I was takin’ one, had it to guzzle-level, and sneezed as I was takin’ it!) the necessarily serious when I gotta be.
That bein’ said …

C’mon, ‘08 — SHOW US WHATCHA GOT!

and stay tuned …

LIVIN’ IN THE “REAL” WORLD

Y’know, one of my prime pleasures comes from livin’ here in the sunshine of friends, neighbors and action! But there’s one resolution I wanna keep most, and that’s to finally get somethin’ outside a rental here!
Now, there’s a place I found that’ll help in every way they can, and they’ll be hearin’ from this Relic very soon! They go that famous “extra mile” to find you a home (note: I said home … not just house!) and … well, they’re the most reputable of all the real estate companies in the nation!
In fact, they have a 94% success rating among all the property buyers/sellers … and, folks, that’s the best in the industry! Their agents are professionals at negotiation, move the transaction along at a solid rate — certainly pleasing to any buyer, and the best and most reliable advice you’ll ever get in buying a home.
They even provide different home-buying calculators to let you know how much you’ll be saving, say, between renting and buying; what your amortization rates will be; monthly payments, and more!
And here’s the best part: All you’ve got to do to get started to find the best real estate to suit you is click on that link you just passed … and let GMAC Real Estate do the rest!
Believe me … I’m lookin’ forward to it … and I guarantee you’ll be as satisfied as the thousands who’ve used their services already!
Do it today, okay?

Let’s see … in about … ohhhh, I’d say 24 hours (from the time I typed this, anyway), we’ll be done with this year. FINALLY! COMPLETELY!! ABSOLUTELY!! IRREVOCABLY!! FOREV… oh … ahem!(heh-heh!) … guess I sorta got, ummm, carried away there! Let’s move on …

One of my best memories of NYE occurred back in 1984. While I was still hammerin’ out the script to the Superock! rockumentary, I was pickin’ up some extra green doin’ the graveyard shift at the A&P on South Boulevard in Charlotte. Now, since it was New Years’ Eve, the boss let us take an hour-long break to see the ‘85 come in. At 11:30 PM, I took off for a nearby neighborhood with a… well, a “prop” I’d brought with me. A friend of mine lived there, and, each year, he brought out his .22 and shot into the air when the clock struck “twelve”.
This time, though, he was in for a … wellll, a little “surprise.”

11:50 PM — I parked the Furry Fury about a block from his house and nearly tip-toed to the position I planned: right, front, next to the corner of the house, away from the bedroom window. He always came out the back door, poised himself against the back corner, same position, and fired.

11:59:30 PM — I heard the back-door close and the shuffling as he went down the steps. This was it; I put my little “prop” into position. As soon as I heard the gun fire, I quickly leaned back and threw the prop over the roof, so it’d come down almost in front of him.

The prop? A rubber chicken! He screamed something with the initials “WTF?”, and ran around the side of the house where I was … with chicken in one hand, the .22 in the other, and a noticeable wet spot in the front of his pants!

I learned something that night. Never play a joke like that on a half-drunk dude with a .22 in his hands. Fortunately, he had a fairly decent sense of humor (I found that out after the “police” came into the store that New Year’s morning and “arrested” me. As they took me away in an unmarked car, I asked what it was all about. They took me to a gay club [I'm NOT gay, btw! Nothing against them; follow the story ...] and deposited me on the front lot, where my friend was standing … with a camera!).

Aftermath: We got a kick outta those photos he took, although a few nights later, they were suddenly … er, “missing” … for some reason (no, he ain’t gonna get ‘em back, either!). He, on the other hand, no longer eats chicken.

Oh, well … Hey, listen — Part II of this will be coming up within the next twenty hours, so stay tuned …

Lemme tell ya … travelin’ from the warm down-home of Crown Town to the cold, steel-rimmed air of Ashland (remember? I do the wrestling shows up there …) can be downright scary at times.

Especially during this winter (well, officially, during the weekend) weather. I left the Appalachian Tall Timbers after getting the promos set up to hit the road for the ride home, and everything went well … until I hit …

FANCY GAP!!

(or should that read: Fancy GULP!!?)

And, with the road slip-slidin’ away underneath me at times (and, friends, no matter whatcha hear, at times there are no guard rails between you and meeting God on part of that downward-spiral from the mountain!)

Of course, leave it to the Relic to tempt fate: In front my old 1937 BoltBucket (actually, the Turbulent Tercel) was a biiiiiiiiig rig (I think it was carryin’ the state of Georgia in it) … and he was smokin’ (no, not Jim Carrey “ssssmokin’”; I mean his back tires …). Soooooooo … y’know what I did, right??

Yup. Went around him as fast as I could without spinnin’ out and goin’ to glory over the left side! No one was in front of him for a half-mile, it seemed … and I thought I was home-free.
At least until I saw him turn frantically for one of those run-offs they have for truckers who are goin’ too fast. See, they go uphill on the right, and they’re meant to stop the semis whose … brakes … have … gone … out!

And that meant that, if he hadn’t stopped, there’d be some superspeed free-wheelin’ to the bottom of the mountain .. with me in his path! And guess who’s Toyota would’ve just become a squished “Toy” — or which blogger was gonna turn into ground Chuck — if that’d happened?? Suddenly, Carrie Underwood’s Jesus, Take The Wheel came to mind … but my thoughts were on that famous, often-repeated slogan that millions of commuting drivers use:

“Where’s-the-next-exit-I-gotta-GO!!!”

Thank goodness that the Good Lord, in His infinite wisdom, created Wytheville, Va. They have loads of bathrooms there … and great deals on toilet paper!

Now, I toldja that to say this: Whenever you’re on the roads this season (especially!), please be careful on the roads, and make it home safely. Don’t get out in yer vehicle and expect everything to be 100% smooth and water-proof! Especially you folks who are drivin’ in from Hawaii. You can make it to yer destination a lot easier if you concentrate, watch out for the other guy, and — for Pete’s sake — stay off the cells until ya git to a rest-stop! Look … already in the USofA there are hundreds who’ll be Christmasing in Heaven because they or someone else lost control of their vehicles or didn’t watch where they were goin’ and ended up meeting in a tragic way.

Don’t be one of ‘em! Be sure to drive defensively and carefully — and you’ll be inside for the Yuletide and present for the presents come the Big Day, okay?

As you probably know by now, I do a lot of traveling in my work. One of the latest commutes has been the back-and-forth to Ashland, Kentucky, where I publish a newspaper, promote and announce for Ohio Championship Wrestling.

Now, traveling isn’t so bad … during normal times. But, when it comes to a busy holiday season, going past towns like Charleston (WV), Wytheville (VA) and Winston-Salem requires a bit of skilled driving! And a prayer or two doesn’t hurt, either…

Drivers come out of nowhere to get back home with presents, trees or whatever. Add slick roads to all that (in some places), and you’ve got a very tricky situation! Now there are some nice spots to stop along the way, whether to eat or just relax (or get gas … or pay tolls … or …). Invariably, when asked where I’m from (and I’m a proud Crown Towner!) and I tell them, the response is “Is xxx still xxx down there?” or “I have a (relative) who lives there!” It’s a good feeling.

Whenever you hit the road goin’ that way, though, you’ve gotta negotiate … FANCY GAP! Now, if you’ve never been over those winding roads comin’ back home, you’re missing a drama! Keeping the car on the road and not going over the rail-less mountainside, getting a lane away from speeding trucks (their brakes might’ve given out … ya can’t tell), and wondering how to “de-pop” your ears keeps you totally alert.

It’s so important to watch how you drive this season, though — whether you’re in the Gap or on Queens Road in town. I remember, a few years back, WSOC interviewed a guy with the highway department and asked for pointers on safe driving (it was snowing at the time). He honestly said to “drive offensively” and, if caught skidding, turn your wheels opposite the direction of the skid! Believe me, we had a load of confused drivers that season (you … do … know what to do in those situations, right?).

The one thing that I enjoy most, though, when I’m coming home is that magnificent uptown skyline! When I see that, I know everything’s gonna be all right!

Let’s make this the safest Christmas on record, Charlotte! Are ya up to the challenge??

Okay … it’s a little over a month before the big guy slides down the chimney with a bag approved by Homeland Security to bring toys not on the recall list to all boys and girls (the ACLU got the “good” thrown out in a Supreme Court Ruling).
Anyway, to get a jump on things, lemme present the classic …

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (skeptic’s version)

(NOTE: These remarks are, in no way, a reflection of this writer’s feelings. As far as I know.)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

(so they have MICE in their house. Highly unsanitary)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

(they don’t have a working washer-dryer)

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

(fervent Catholics? Maybe the washer repairman?)
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
(doesn’t their school teach sex education?? Most think about their DATES, man! Geez …)
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,

(Sure. Man and woman, kids in bed, naked except for kerchief and cap. To sleep. Uh-huh …)
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

(Probably just a stray dog. Why be so PARANOID?? Oh … that’s right: They’re, uh, “SLEEPing”!)
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

(Well, if he hadn’t eaten the sash to begin with … poor nutrition habits!)
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
(Now, why “breast”? Why not “scene” or “scape”? Sounds sexist to me!)
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

(THIS is one for PETA; pulling a fat-assed dude, bag and stuff [see next lines] … and they’re tiny?)
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

(Yeah … right. “Little old” drivers are rarely “lively and quick”. Check the freeway yourself …)
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

(Rats. I was pullin’ for the washer repairman!)
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

(what’s a COURSER?)
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

(DAMN! He’s gonna wake up the KIDS, who are dreaming of sugar plums …)
Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

(”now” WHAT?!?)
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!

(”ON” what??)
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

(Now, WHY the hell didn’t he use the DRIVEWAY like everyone ELSE?)
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!

(Dash away all of what? That bearded bozo better leave my stuff alone and get to fixin’ that washin’ machine!)
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

(Hel-LOOO! Doesn’t this guy rake his LAWN?! And, dude, it’s snowing! How’dya know if there ARE leaves??)
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

(can anyone explain this line?)
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

(sounds like ol’ SC was an afterthought!)

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

(DAMN! They’re gonna wake the kids, I tell ya!)

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

(was he drawin’ it back to BUST Santa for makin’ that racket?)
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

(waitaminnit. Isn’t that “entering without breaking”? And why was he carrying a “bound”?)
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

(Awwww, CRAP! There goes the clean CARPET!)
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

(It’s late … strange dude looks like a peddler, breaking in through chimney … yep: five to ten at San Quentin at least!)
His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

(WHOA! Sounds like daddy was gettin’ turned ON by the dude in red!)
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

(it STILL sounds like he was gettin’ turned on …)
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

(DAMN, he was gettin’ excited!)

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

(like HELL he didn’t … Linda Blair did the same thing in “Exorcist”!)

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

(And what, pray tell, was the “jerk” doing with him? When’d HE come into the picture?)

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

(HE’S GONNA BLOW A LUGIE!! HE’S A REDNECK! I KNEW IT!!)
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

(oh …)
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

(hmph — earlier he called their names to get ‘em to move. Now he just whistles for ‘em?)
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

(what the heck?? Since when does a thistle have DOWN??)
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

(DAMN!! HE WOKE UP THE KIDS WITH ALL THAT CLATTER! NOW THE OWNER’S GOT

• A CHIMNEY TO CLEAN
• SOOTY FOOTPRINTS TO VACUUM
• LYSOL TO SPRAY, TO GET THAT DAMNED PIPE SMOKE OUTTA THE ROOM
• THE KIDS TO CALM DOWN and get back to (ahem!) “sugarplum-land”.
• AN UNSATISFIED NEARLY-NEKKID WIFE WHO DOESN’T KNOW HE WAS MAKIN’ EYES AT SANTA …
• A POSSIBLE POLICE REPORT TO FILE

EDITOR’S NOTE: So, here, we have the tragic story of an impoverished, fairly uneducated family who lives in unsanitary conditions. Then, one night, upon lying down after a questionable meal, the man of the house comes face-to-face with an intruder. The perp made his way into the house in unconventional fashion, and proceeds to make a mess. Strangely, the man becomes attracted to him … and doesn’t stop him or his accomplice (aka “a jerk”) from their crime.

Pity, isn’t it??

Awww, the heck with it … MERPYSONS CHRISTOLIDAYTINGS! (Well, it’s now 2007, and we’ve gotta be careful with our greeting, kids … so I”ve combined them all into one!)

Been on the road, tryin’ to get back home. Yep, it’s gettin’ cold everywhere. ‘Course, we know what to do in the event of frozen frontdoors, right? Uh-huh … snuggle! Welllll, that and maybe some electric heat would be good …

Actually, the best things to do as it gets c-o-l-d-e-r is to make sure you’ve got insulation around the windows, the heating system’s in good order, and that you’re well stocked in the fridge and with supplies. Y’see, the more ya go out that door, the more you’re defeatin’ the heating system.
Oh … one more thing: Be sure to keep your attitude in control, okay? Don’t let your temper flare up — it’ll wear down your physical defenses, and you’ll feel a lot more vulnerable to the chill.

Now … on to other things:

It’s a bit ironic that, just as Dunkin’ Donuts is making a media push for its famous coffee (and, friends, ya gotta buy a bag or two! It’s delicious!), the shop up there on N. Graham was robbed. Just glad no one got hurt. If you’re ever “held up,” the logical rule-of-thumb is to give the robber what they want, and then they’ll most likely run like &#@! to get outta there. Human life is always more important than money!
But one of the craziest … no, make that two … robberies I’ve ever heard of took place up there where I’m doing my gigs for Ohio Championship Wrestling — the town of Ashland, Kentucky. Now, the folks in that little bitty city are as fine as can be … but it’s like us: it has its share of odd! You’ve probably heard about their “Duct-Tape Bandit,” where a guy held up a liquor store (for a few rolls of quarters), and a “disguise” made by wrapping his head in duct tape!
Well, here’s another, freshly-made on Tuesday: A dude went into a local ice-cream store there, and held them up … with … a … common … stapler! Right. Stapler. No word on the caliber of stapler he used, or whether it was loaded. But … a true story, nonetheless.

That’s reason #204 why it’s good to be back home … if I want insanity, I’ll have it in my own back yard, thank you!