The Big Day’s Drawin’ Closer …
Okay … it’s a little over a month before the big guy slides down the chimney with a bag approved by Homeland Security to bring toys not on the recall list to all boys and girls (the ACLU got the “good” thrown out in a Supreme Court Ruling).
Anyway, to get a jump on things, lemme present the classic …
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (skeptic’s version)
(NOTE: These remarks are, in no way, a reflection of this writer’s feelings. As far as I know.)
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
(so they have MICE in their house. Highly unsanitary)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
(they don’t have a working washer-dryer)
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
(fervent Catholics? Maybe the washer repairman?)
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
(doesn’t their school teach sex education?? Most think about their DATES, man! Geez …)
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
(Sure. Man and woman, kids in bed, naked except for kerchief and cap. To sleep. Uh-huh …)
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
(Probably just a stray dog. Why be so PARANOID?? Oh … that’s right: They’re, uh, “SLEEPing”!)
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
(Well, if he hadn’t eaten the sash to begin with … poor nutrition habits!)
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
(Now, why “breast”? Why not “scene” or “scape”? Sounds sexist to me!)
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
(THIS is one for PETA; pulling a fat-assed dude, bag and stuff [see next lines] … and they’re tiny?)
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
(Yeah … right. “Little old” drivers are rarely “lively and quick”. Check the freeway yourself …)
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
(Rats. I was pullin’ for the washer repairman!)
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
(what’s a COURSER?)
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
(DAMN! He’s gonna wake up the KIDS, who are dreaming of sugar plums …)
Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
(”now” WHAT?!?)
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!
(”ON” what??)
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
(Now, WHY the hell didn’t he use the DRIVEWAY like everyone ELSE?)
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
(Dash away all of what? That bearded bozo better leave my stuff alone and get to fixin’ that washin’ machine!)
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
(Hel-LOOO! Doesn’t this guy rake his LAWN?! And, dude, it’s snowing! How’dya know if there ARE leaves??)
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
(can anyone explain this line?)
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
(sounds like ol’ SC was an afterthought!)
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
(DAMN! They’re gonna wake the kids, I tell ya!)
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
(was he drawin’ it back to BUST Santa for makin’ that racket?)
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
(waitaminnit. Isn’t that “entering without breaking”? And why was he carrying a “bound”?)
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
(Awwww, CRAP! There goes the clean CARPET!)
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
(It’s late … strange dude looks like a peddler, breaking in through chimney … yep: five to ten at San Quentin at least!)
His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
(WHOA! Sounds like daddy was gettin’ turned ON by the dude in red!)
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
(it STILL sounds like he was gettin’ turned on …)
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
(DAMN, he was gettin’ excited!)
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
(like HELL he didn’t … Linda Blair did the same thing in “Exorcist”!)
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
(And what, pray tell, was the “jerk” doing with him? When’d HE come into the picture?)
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
(HE’S GONNA BLOW A LUGIE!! HE’S A REDNECK! I KNEW IT!!)
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
(oh …)
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
(hmph — earlier he called their names to get ‘em to move. Now he just whistles for ‘em?)
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
(what the heck?? Since when does a thistle have DOWN??)
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”
(DAMN!! HE WOKE UP THE KIDS WITH ALL THAT CLATTER! NOW THE OWNER’S GOT
EDITOR’S NOTE: So, here, we have the tragic story of an impoverished, fairly uneducated family who lives in unsanitary conditions. Then, one night, upon lying down after a questionable meal, the man of the house comes face-to-face with an intruder. The perp made his way into the house in unconventional fashion, and proceeds to make a mess. Strangely, the man becomes attracted to him … and doesn’t stop him or his accomplice (aka “a jerk”) from their crime.
Pity, isn’t it??
Awww, the heck with it … MERPYSONS CHRISTOLIDAYTINGS! (Well, it’s now 2007, and we’ve gotta be careful with our greeting, kids … so I”ve combined them all into one!)
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